


Hallelujah

by theonsfavouritetoy



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: AU - Modern Setting, Jon is famous, M/M, former relationship, past-Ramsay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-23 18:32:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11995566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonsfavouritetoy/pseuds/theonsfavouritetoy
Summary: I heard there was a secret chordThat David played, and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for Music, do youIt goes like this, the forth, the fifth,The minor fall and the major lift,The baffled King composing HallelujahHallelujahHallelujah





	1. I.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo I heard this song again on Friday, written by the unforgotten Leonard Cohen, made immortal by the amazingly talented Jeff Buckley.  
> And suddenly this fic stood crystal-clear before my eyes and it has eaten away at my brain the whole weekend so I'm just glad to get it out.
> 
> When I started reading and writing fanfics I didn't like modern settings. Then I read some good ones and they started to grow on me. Then I read some fantastic ones and now I'm hooked and sold and writing one myself. Ha.

They dragged me with them to the party although I could spontaneously think of about a hundred things I'd rather spend my evening with.

But at last I relented and here I am, sitting between strangers, sipping on a beer, trying hard not to listen to all the crap they're talking.

Everyone is pretty pissed and jivey when you enter the room. My eyes are drawn to you like a magnet and I'm pretty sure my heart stops for a second.

You scan the faces around the room, nodding to some you know. Your gaze passes right over me. I know I look different from back then. Hair too long, cheeks too hollow, eyes too weary.

You look just the same. Maybe a little harder around the edges, your clothes subtly more expensive. But the smile is the same, your hair messier than ever, your eyes the familiar grey.

If I'd known you would be here I would've stayed away. But now we're both here and I can see you pause, your eyes flickering back to me.

Disbelief, shock, hurt, all evident on your face. I don't want to know what my face is betraying. Our eyes lock across the room and it feels like I'm burning alive.

 

_He was sitting on the bed, guitar in his lap, strong fingers pulling the strings. I sat on the floor next to him, my arms wrapped around my knees, waiting for him to finish so I could replace the instrument in his arms. He laughed when he saw my jealous look._

_"Don't look like that. I have to play one more song, then I'm done for today."_

_I sighed and tried my best to look patient. But of course he saw right through me. With a teasing smile he started playing, a new song. I hadn't heard it before. It wasn't his usual fast style, no hard riffs, more like a soft ballad, warm and enticing._

_"That a new one?"_

_"Since when are you interested in my songs? You don't like my music, have you forgotten?"_

_"This is different. It sounds beautiful. Not like your usual songs."_

_"It's a love song. I still have to write most of the lyrics, but I got part of the chorus."_

_"Oh?"_

_"It goes something like, You make me whole, without you I'd sink, but it has to be worked over again. I don't think it really conveys what I feel."_

_I was suspicious, but tried to not let it show._

_"What's it called?"_

_He laughed, again reading me like a book._

_"You're acting strange tonight, asking about a song I'm writing. Normally you wouldn't care a bit."_

_"Well, I do now, so tell me the name."_

_And he looked at me, smiling his beautiful smile._

_"It's called 'Theon'"._

 

Someone talks to you about something, I can't hear it from where I'm sitting, but you're still staring at me. I can't look away, either.

Thoughts come crashing down, memories threatening to suffocate me with their weight.

I don't want to look away in case I'm dreaming.

 

_I went with him to his first recording session. He was nervous beyond belief and nearly turned around three times before we made it to the Studio._

_But as soon as his hands grabbed the neck of the guitar, as soon as his mouth nearly touched the mic in front of him, he was in his own world._

_And of course he aced it. He recorded six songs that day, but not the one he'd written for me. We'd talked about it before and he'd  moved his fingers through my hair._

_"That one is just for you. Just for us. It's very intimate and private, don't you think?"_

_I only halfway agreed. Of course it was wonderful to have something that just belonged to me, but on the other hand I wanted him to scream his feelings into the world, for all to hear that he's mine._

_I didn't say any of that, though. I just smiled, kissed him softly and changed the topic. I was always a coward._

 

They pester you for half an hour before you relent. Someone produces a guitar and you laugh at their eagerness. But you're still looking at me.

I get up. Hearing you sing is going to be a torture I can't withstand. I always turn off the radio when they're announcing one of your songs.

I make my way through the people to the balcony, hoping to get there before you start. But it's too late, the first chord stops me in my tracks.

They're all silent, they haven't heard the song before, you were true to your word and never played it publicly. Only I know the words, only I know the notes.

I turn around slowly, not trusting my legs. Maybe I'll fall.

And there you are, still looking at me, singing my song. You smile at me across the room and I breathe again, for the first time since I left you.

 


	2. II.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,  
> You saw him bathing on the Roof,  
> His Beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.  
> He tied you to a kitchen chair,  
> He broke your throne and he cut your hair,  
> And from your lips he drew the Hallelujah.  
> Hallelujah  
> Hallelujah

They storm you once you're finished, they want to know the name of the song, who it is for.

You just smile and tell them it's a song about a person you once loved. Your using the past tense feels like a blow to me.

I don't dare looking at your eyes again, I fear the void where once there was love.

So instead I concentrate on your lips, still smiling, forming words I can't hear anymore.

There's a rushing sound in my head and I hear your voice, from back then, clearer than the noise around me.

 

_We were laying side by side on the bed. He had one hand behind his neck, the other holding a cigarette. I was propped up on my side, drinking in his sight, still feeling his touch on my slowly cooling skin._

_He smiled when he caught my gaze, stubbing out the cigarette and wrapping his arm around me._

_"You're insatiable today. Who do you think I am, Superman?"_

_But he took my face into his sure hands, brought his lips to mine and kissed me with a passion that told me he wasn't done with me yet. I felt his cock hardening against my thigh again and I laughed._

_"Apparently you are."_

_He rolled on top of me, bringing my wrists together above my head and attacked my lips again, fiercely this time._

_"Oh, like this again?" I smiled into his hungry mouth._

_"You don't deserve it better, you raunchy creature!"_

_When he was sure I was holding my arms up on my own account he started licking and nipping at my throat until I was writhing under him. A sharp bite to my shoulder had me screaming with pain and pleasure, and his eyes gleamed like a hungry wolf's._

_His searing lips went down my body, all the while kissing and biting, licking and bruising. His hot mouth enveloped me while his eyes bore into mine, daring me to make a move._

_I drowned in his touches, the world gone, everything gone but him and what he did to me._

_When he moved in me I wasn't sure if he wasn't actually killing me this time. When his seed filled me and I released with a cry I was sure I wouldn't mind._

 

Someone is calling my name behind me. It sounds very far away. I try to look around, try to resurface, but there's something wrong with my vision and I try to grab something solid for steadiness.

The voice calls again, sounding worried, but I don't know what to make of it. My legs give out from under me and I fall. Hands are catching me, I know, I just know they're yours. I can still feel your touch from back then, like it was yesterday. I can smell your skin, and it smells like before. I don't know if I can stand it, I'm fainting and I am again what I always was. A burden for you to carry.

 

_My arms were wrapped around him as he took the call. He seemed absent, miles away. I pressed my face into his curls, breathing in his scent. He shrugged out of my embrace, seeming annoyed._

_I wanted to follow him, but I didn't dare. I didn't want him to be annoyed with me. And when he hung up and turned around to me his eyes were sparkling and his mouth was on mine, kissing me, laughing, telling me how they wanted to really produce the CD._

_"I love you, Theon! I couldn't do any of this without you."_

_He came into my waiting arms then, warm and beautiful, and I felt my heart swell when he was saying my name all over again, telling me again and again how much he loved me._

_I just hoped, with all my being, that I was strong enough to love him back._

 

I am blinking at the sudden absence of noise, the only thing I hear is your voice, telling someone that you have to look after an old friend.

I look around and realise I'm in a kitchen, the party is still going on out there, and you're in here with me.

I close my eyes, I don't want to see you staring at me with pity in your eyes. I know what you must think. Ugly. Worn-out. Junkie. I've heard it often enough, seen myself in enough shop windows to know what I must look like. A skeleton with skin, strangly hair and dead eyes.

You don't speak and I don't trust my voice enough to do. I hear you running the tap, cursing under your breath to yourself. You always did that, always somehow managing to splash yourself.

A glass is placed at my lip and I oblige, drink the cool water in small, hasty sips. The glass disappears and I can't stand it any longer.

I open my eyes to find your hands hovering over me, not quite touching me. And then they do, they're cradling my cheeks, your thumbs caressing my cheekbones, and all I can do is leaning into your touch.

You're looking at me intently, and then you whisper, softly.

"What on earth happened to you?"


	3. III.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby, I've been here before,  
> I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,  
> I used to live alone before I knew you.  
> And I've seen your flag on the marble arch,  
> And love is not a victory march,  
> It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah  
> Hallelujah  
> Hallelujah

I still haven't found my voice again, but you're not expecting an answer really.

Your hands glide down my arms, one can easily circle my wrist. You pull up one of my sleeves and you find what you're searching for immediately.

But the hundreds of tiny pricks have healed long ago. I haven't touched a needle in two years, but I don't say it, and you wouldn't believe it if I did.

I couldn't blame you.

 

_"Promise me, Theon. Once and for all. Stay away from that crap, I beg you!"_

_He sounded angry and sad at the same time, and of course I promised it, even intended on keeping the promise. But then he was gone again, I was alone again, and I needed to repress the loneliness somehow. He played gigs all over the country and he never invited me to come along._

_When he came home for the first time with lipstick all over his shirt, like the worst cliché ever, something inside my head went bust. He laughed it off, telling me of all the girls waiting for him backstage and how he'd fended them off. It didn't look like that to me._

_He was happy to be home, but I screamed at him in tears until his smile turned into a frown and he turned away. I never asked where he spent that night. When he returned in the morning I just couldn't._

_I took him into my arms, stroking his hair, kissing his face a thousand times, telling him how sorry I was. And he smiled at me through his tears and told me I'm the stupidest idiot who ever lived._

_How right he was._

 

My eyes are drawn to your hand. You wear a broad silver band around your ring finger and I remember that one freezing night where all I had to keep me warm was the tube paper, with your face all over it.

The headline read 'Famous Singer Engaged to Actress Ygritte'.

I mumble, "I should be congratulating you."

You seem confused at that and I point my chin at your finger, and suddenly you're smiling.

"A sham. The fans... they wouldn't leave me alone and she's got the same problem. We're friends. You should know I don't... I'm not into... You know."

My throat seems to close and my stupid, stupid heart beats a little faster.

 

_I was frying some eggs when I felt his gaze on me. I turned around and there he stood in the kitchen door, leaning against the frame, naked and utterly, heartbreakingly gorgeous._

_He watched me with his warm smile. I burned the eggs that day and we had to go out for breakfast. When I wanted to take his hand he flinched away. In the café he took the seat opposite me._

_It hurt._

_"What's wrong?" I knew my voice sounded strange, trembling with accusation. I couldn't help it._

_He didn't look at me._

_"You know, people are starting to recognize me and it's... I don't... I don't want that. In public."_

_His words felt like a slap._

 

You're still holding my arms but suddenly the closeness seems too much for you and you move your chair away a bit.

My traitorous hands follow yours before I can stop them.

 

_It was true. His face was all over the city, posters announcing another concert, advertisement for a radio channel... We couldn't go shopping anymore without someone saying Hi and he always stepped away from me a little. When I confronted him he said he wanted us to be left alone, our love to be a secret. I thought he was ashamed of me._

_When it was just the two of us he was as loving and sweet as ever._

_We once went out to dinner and he specially shaved his beard for that evening, hiding his hair under a ridiculous cap, even wearing sunglasses inside. It worked, nobody bothered us, but it wasn't really us. He was on edge the whole time and I couldn't see his eyes, couldn't see how they were looking at me. If they were at all._

_We never went out after that, we stayed home, watching movies, talking, fucking... It was like a cocoon, but one he left much too frequently. I didn't feel secure at all._

 

A knock on the door startles us both and a voice asks if you're alright.

You tell them everything's good, you'll be back soon.

I don't want you to leave but I'm not so crazy as to try to get you to stay. I'm not worth your time and regard.

Still I cannot help but flinch when you get up.

 


	4. IV.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a time when you let me know,  
> What's really going on below,  
> But now you never show that to me, do you.  
> But remember when I moved in you,  
> And the Holy Dove was moving too,  
> And every breath we drew was Hallelujah.  
> Hallelujah  
> Hallelujah

You seem unsure and it's killing me.

You were always, always sure of yourself, confident, so assertive. Now you look like you don't know what to do and it's my fault. Again.

"When did you last eat something?"

I shrug. I don't remember. You look annoyed at that, just like then.

"No wonder you blacked out. You're... you're thinner than before. You were always skinny but this now, this is ridiculous."

I try to defend myself, but it's a weak attempt.

"I'm just not hungry anymore."

I can see that you don't want to ask. You ask nevertheless.

"When were you hungry the last time?"

I swallow hard, you know the answer, but I say it anyways.

"Six years ago."

You close your eyes like in pain.

 

 

_His head was resting against my chest, his eyes closed. He looked peaceful. I didn't feel peaceful at all._

_He sensed my uneasiness and opened his eyes._

_"It's only three months. Three months and I'm back with you."_

_But three months was a long time. A lot could happen in three months._

_I didn't answer, I just pushed him over, kissing him so hard it had to hurt. When my hands moved to his ass he made a surprised little noise._

_We very rarely did it like this, but that night I had to be in him, feel him around me, own him, make sure he was mine._

_He must've understood, because he didn't stop me from pushing into him, moaning, his eyes staring into mine with fierce determination._

_And there I saw all the love, all the trust, everything I could ever want for. It was all there._

_But I didn't believe any of it._

 

You must've been thinking of the same night, your voice is heavy with bitterness when you speak.

"That was when you stopped talking to me."

It's not exactly right, I did never speak to you about the jealousy that was eating away at me. But it's true enough.

After you left, nothing was like it were before. Sure, you did come back to me. But you were a stranger, coming back to a home that hadn't been a home without you.

 

 

_I hadn't bothered with the heating since he'd left, so the flat was cold and uninviting._

_He seemed uncomfortable around me, didn't hug me, didn't kiss me, just said Hey and dropped his bag in the bedroom._

_Then he came back into the living room where I was sitting._

_"I, uh... I'm going out. I have to meet someone... for an interview."_

_I only nodded, didn't trust myself to look at him. He left without another word._

_But when he came back, late in the night, he slipped into bed with me, snuggling against my back, his heart beating so fast._

_I fought myself, I was so angry with him, but the desire won._

_I turned around, clinging to him with desperation, nearly suffocating both of us because I didn't take my lips from his for a second._

_That was the last time we slept together. The next morning he moved to the couch. He needed more space._

 

"I still don't know why. Why, Theon?"

Your voice is thick, with anger? Unshed tears? I don't want to fool myself, so I go with anger.

I look down.

"Didn't you find the letter?"

"Letter???" Now you really sound angry. "Do you mean this thing you scribbled ten words on?"

From your wallet you produce something small. A torn scrap, crumpled and stained from where my tears have smeared the ink, and maybe yours, too.

"'I can't live like this anymore. I love you. I'm sorry.' Really, Theon that doesn't explain anything!"

You sigh as you get up.

"Come on, I'll have my driver bring you home. Where you're at?"

"Iron Square."

Your mouth falls open.

"You can't be serious! You're living with your father again???"

 

_He held my hand the day my father broke my arm. He was there for me when my father gave me a concussion. He went with me when I told my father I was moving out, moving together with another man. He stopped my father from killing me that day._

 

With one step you're at my side again, lifting up my shirt, hissing when you uncover the ugly blotches on my ribs.

You step back, your face showing your conflict clearly.

"Okay. Look. I don't care what happened back then. You're not going back there like this. You're coming with me and once I get some food into you, we'll talk." 


	5. V.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe there's a god above,  
> but all I ever learned from love,  
> was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.  
> And it's not a cry that you hear at night,  
> It's not somebody who's seen the light,  
> It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.  
> Hallelujah  
> Hallelujah

You say goodbye to the others while I wait at the door.

I can see their disappointment, their incredulous stares and whispers.

Why would their star leave with such a sorry creature?

I don't care about them. I don't care about who I came with.

I'm going with you and it feels like going home for the first time since I left your flat.

 

_I packed my bag when he was sleeping. I didn't say goodbye, I wanted to get it over with as quickly as I could. A last look at him, tossing and turning on the couch, and I was out._

_I had nowhere to go so I took a train up North, leaving the city and him behind, leaving myself behind._

_When I arrived I dragged myself to the first bar I saw, ordering some whisky, trying to drown my ache._

_That's where HE found me, on my third night there. I was easy prey and HE knew it. I was so empty, only a ghost, I'd have gone with anyone to feel anything again._

_But I went with HIM and that was the end of me._

 

You're now living in a much larger place, you can afford it of course. But it surprises me how much it feels the same as back then. It feels like a home, because home is where you are.

We pass your bedroom, the door is open, and above your bed - I stop. There's the one picture of us that you liked. You hated all the others because you said we looked so stupid in them.

This one was taken at some seaside fair, I'm sitting in the grass and you're leaning against me from behind. Your arms are around my shoulders and we're both smiling. I can't bear to look anymore.

It touches me so much, that you'd still have this picture on your wall. But it also hurts to see who I once was and what I lost.

You frown at me.

"You can sleep in the guest room, I'm... I'm going to order some food. Any ideas? Any wishes?"

I shake my head. It all tastes the same anyways.

You open the door to the guest room and I sit on the bed, my legs still to weak to carry me for a long time. You don't leave yet.

I'm shivering in my thin shirt and you sigh, going over to a closet and pulling a thick jumper and some sweatpants out of it.

"Off with those ungodly rags, I can't even look at you. This'll be a lot warmer. I... I'll turn around."

As if you hadn't seen me stark naked a thousand times before. But I'm past caring what you'll see and I undress. You turn back again after I slip into the pants, before I have a chance to put on the jumper you gave me.

 

Your gaze wanders from my collarbones over my chest and to my ribs. I know how every bone juts out and it seems to pain you. That's when you register the rest.

I'm half turned away and you take a step to have a better look at my back. And my back is the worst by far.

You take my hands, pull me onto the bed again and sit beside me.

"That's not your father's doing, is it?" I shake my head.

 

_HIS game was clear. Cruelty followed by kindness, a kiss followed by a bite. HE hated me because HE wanted me. I wasn't HIS first, but the first HE'd gone that far with._

_When I finally got away I was a different man. In truth I was not much of a man at all anymore._

_HE'd emasculated and humiliated me in every way possible save for actually ripping my cock off. A thing HE'd threaten me daily with. I wouldn't have cared then. I only wished HE would finally kill me._

_I was at HIS mercy, HIS shell, HIS pet._

_One day when HE tortured me with HIS games again (go to the shop and bring me a beer, don't talk to anyone, be back in seven minutes or I'll carve you up like a pig), I had a rare moment of lucidity. I ran._

_I didn't want to die like this, only for HIS amusement._

 

I'm telling you not that much, only that I had been in an abusive relationship, which I escaped to live on the streets for two years until I finally crawled back to my father.

You're crying now and I could hit myself, my fault, all over again.

You lean your head against my shoulder, your tears collecting in the hollow of my throat.

"I loved you so much."

It tears me how pained you sound.

"I know. I should've known. I couldn't, I just couldn't believe it then."

"I pushed you away. I loved you but I wasn't ready."

 

It makes me sad but I have to say it.

"You would never have been."

 

You don't meet my gaze, you get up and step back to the door.

"Food. Ah, which food? You always liked Indian, shall we try that?"

I shrug and smile and you turn to leave, but you come back again.

"Why didn't you come back to me? When you... ended that thing?"

I'm shaking my head at so much naivety.

"You wouldn't have wanted me to, I was such a mess, look at me, imagine it a thousand times worse and you have the thing that would've come to your door."

 

You're getting angry again.

"Have you never wondered what that one song is about??"

I look down. "I never listen to your songs."

You leave without a word. Ten seconds later you're back and shoving a tablet into my hands, YouTube already opened. One of your concerts.

It's the last few minutes and you press Play.

The lines hit me right in the chest.

 

"Wherever you are, I still need you here with me"

I cannot breathe.

"Come back tomorrow and I'll love you still"

I let the tablet fall from my fingers and it hits the carpet with a thud.

 

"They've played it on the radio a million times. I end every concert with that song."

I am still doubtful.

"You didn't know what I've become."

 

Your gaze is defiant.

"I don't care."

And then your arms are around me, your lips are on mine and I feel alive.


	6. VI.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: Hallelujah

It's the first gig I play since he stumbled back into my life. I took some time off, canceled a lot of appointments. I needed all my time for him.

It was hard, a painful yet sweet time. He was down so low, but I fought to get him back again.

It's astonishing how complete I feel since he's back. Like I was missing an organ or something and now it's finally back.

He's the air I need to breathe, he's the water I need to survive.

He still thinks he's weighing me down, holding me back from something. I tell him he's full of bullshit and he smiles but he doesn't believe it.

He's the one who kept me going all those years, the thoughts of him being out there somewhere fueling me, never giving up hope.

Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever get him back, but I still hoped. And now that I have him I want to make it right.

 

He doesn't know but I met with Ygritte a few days ago. She's been amazing. Of course she knows everything about him, about us, I never kept any secrets from her, seeing as she was in the same place.

We hugged and she wished me good luck, telling me not to be such an idiot this time.

 

Traditionally I open every concert with a bang, and today's going to be the biggest bang they have ever seen.

I look into the crowd, they're all cheering up at me, but I'm searching for his face. He promised he'd come today. He never came to my concerts back then. I didn't ask him to, a mistake I won't make again. I should've known he'd never come by himself.

Then I spot him, he's not among the crowd but at the side with the security. I smile at him and he smiles back, even looks proud at me.

I can't wait to see his face in a few moments. I start to play 'Theon' and I can see a tear rolling down his cheek.

The crowd is utterly silent, this is a much too soft song for my usual self, but I can see they like it.

When I'm done I stand up, I grab the mic and pause, trying to compose myself. I'm shaking with apprehension.

 

"Theon... will you come up to me please?"

He looks so gobsmacked that I have to stiffle a laugh, but he comes.

I meet him in the middle of the stage, my hands reaching out to him. There's murmuring from the audience but all I care for is the man in front of me.

He whispers, "Are you sure you want to do that?"

 

I don't bother with talking, I just wrap my hands around his neck and draw him down into a long kiss.  

The crowd errupts with cheers and screams and I still don't look at them, I only have eyes for him.

And he laughs, he finally laughs again, and he hugs me so tight, and I press my face into his chest.

 

The next weeks and months are going to be horrible, we still have to face the press and the public, but I know I made the right decision.

He's mine, finally, and I'm his, irrevocably, from this day until our last day.

 

 


End file.
